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[What a heavy message to wake up from a nap to. Katsuki stares at it for a while, frowning, as if he could work out what Izuku wants to talk about just from going over the words about a hundred times.

At first, he's not inclined to reply at all, and just go. But it occurs to him, if he's feeling apprehensive about this "talk" then Izuku's probably about 10 times worse off.]

yeah, I'll be there in 5

[He uses his quirk to get there within the time limit, and it's easier to find Izuku from the sky. It's about 4 and a half minutes before Katsuki drops from the sky in front of the other boy, mouth still set in a frown but red eyes locked on his face.]

What is it?

[It’s a heavy subject, which is why Izuku started the message with asking to talk in person. There’s too much that’s built up within it, too much time that’s passed (for him, but not for Kacchan, and that will never not feel strange and wrong), to do over text.

Izuku is at the edge of the beach, sitting in the grass with bare feet in the sand. He hears the blond coming, can pinpoint exactly where he’s coming from before he’s even in view, and that’s something to set aside and think about on his own later. For now, he simply looks up at Kacchan as he lands. The other boy is straight to the point. Izuku wouldn’t expect anything less.]

Sit down first? [A question, not an order.] This…might take some time.

[Mostly because Izuku still isn’t entirely sure how to put everything into words. He doesn’t want this to become yet another miscommunication between them, and if that means taking his time to find the right way to say everything, then that’s what he’ll do.]

[Looking at Izuku, Katsuki can feel the weight of whatever they're about to discuss, and he finds himself fidgeting, shifting his weight from foot to foot and then pulling one arm across his chest to stretch the muscle of his back, repeating it on the other side. For a few moments, he isn't sure he wants to do this, to have a "serious talk" with Izuku, there's so much between them, things are such a mess, he doesn't know how to verbalize half the things he thinks. Doesn't know how to interpret half the things he feels.

Part of him wants to spin on a heel and walk away and tell Izuku they can do this later. Later, once he's figured out what he's thinking and feeling and can verbalize it properly. Izuku had waited for the apology, he can wait for this too, right?

But something tells him Izuku isn't going to let him get away with that this time.

Mouth set in a straight line, he sits down, expression grim, and undoes his shoes, pulls them off and then pulls off his socks. Digging his toes into the sand, he stares at them for a few moments before saying anything. When he finally does talk, he intends to sound flippant but it comes out more severe.]

So what'd I do this time?

[Izuku had settled into staring out at the waves on the far side of the sand, but snaps his gaze back to the blond in surprise at that question. What?]

Nothing! [He almost continues, baffled Kacchan would think that's what this is about, but...technically it is.] Nothing bad.

[That's an important distinction. At least, it is to Izuku. It's the entire reason there's even a conversation to be had, Kacchan doing good things. For Izuku, to Izuku. Growth and change, happening right in front of his eyes, until suddenly he has reason to expect it of the other boy, to expect better than who Kacchan used to be.

And that's part of what makes this so hard. Because he didn't used to have any reason to expect anything from the other boy, other than cruelty. Everything about them, who they are as people, the relationship between them...it's all changed so much. Izuku doesn't know what they are, anymore, and has no idea how to figure it out.

If they can put it all out in the open, though...maybe he can find enough pieces to understand. Maybe he'll find the words for what he wants them to be, regardless of whatever they are now. It's worth a try. So...might as well start from the beginning, and work from there.]

Apology accepted.

[He shifts, fingers twining out of nervous habit. It's not what he wants to say -- what he dreamed of saying, when he still let himself dream of Kacchan apologizing to him, when the idea of merely having a normal conversation hadn't felt like a miracle in and of itself -- but it's what he can say honestly. He can't wait until he can say what he wishes he could, because that wouldn't be fair to either of them. Not to Kacchan and the work he's done improving himself, not to himself and what getting an apology he never expected meant to him.

Not when "I forgive you" requires actually forgiving him, and that's something that might never happen, no matter how much Izuku wants to.]

[It had almost been a relief, Izuku not looking at him, because right now the sense of something heavy in the air between them is so intense that Katsuki can feel the weight of his gaze when he turns to look at him. To hear that it's nothing bad isn't as comforting as Izuku probably means it to be - being in the kind of situation where he has to have a serious talk with someone, especially someone like Izuku, someone he has that kind of complicated relationship with, the conversation is going to be hard for him whether it's something bad or good.

Katsuki picks up and fiddles with a piece of driftwood for a moment, toes curling in the sand, and then lifts his head to look over at Izuku, just in time to hear 'apology accepted.' It takes a moment to register what he means. That feels like ages ago, even though not much has happened yet in this place.]

Oh.

[There's some hesitation there, because that can't be all. That's not the 'big talk' at all. Just two words? No way. So what else is there that Izuku wants to say? He fiddles for a moment or two with the driftwood before standing up and hurling it into the water as hard as he can, mouth set in a straight line.]

So what now?

[Izuku watching the throw, eyes following the poor chunk of driftwood as it flies out into the waves. Made it all the way to the edge of the beach only to get sent right back where it started.

He knows the feeling.]

I'm not sure. I mean, I know we have a lot to figure out, but...

[Where even to begin? There's so much to address, so many things to sort through. Who even are they to each other? Rivals doesn't feel entirely right, and Izuku isn't sure he wants to...to settle for that, anymore. Classmates is too distant. It doesn't feel like they're truly friends again, yet.

(Childhood friends implies the friendship was ever mutual, and Izuku's been scared of the answer to that for a very, very long time.)

He gestures awkwardly between them, one hand flicking back and forth.]

I...I don't know what we are, Kacchan. Nothing seems to fit.

[After throwing the driftwood, Katsuki stands still for a moment, digging his toes into the sand and fidgeting for a moment, almost like he's considering running. It would be easy, he thinks, to just turn and leave before Izuku can get his words together, can ask anything more of him. Izuku always seems to be asking so much of him, even when he's not asking for anything at all, and Katsuki...he's just not the type who's ever been good at giving.

Maybe that's why Izuku frustrates him so much, has always frustrated him, why he's always felt like he's ahead of Katsuki somehow. Because Izuku has so much to give, and being around him makes Katsuki think he should be giving more. Should be better. He knows he needs to be better, and it was Izuku who showed him that.]

I don't know what we are either, Izuku.

[His voice comes out soft, and he sits down heavily next to the other boy, again, not looking at him, just staring out into the ocean.]

None of the words I can think of are right. Rivals...it's not enough. Neither is classmates. Friends is too much.

[Why isn't 'rivals' enough? That's...that's something he'll have to think about. Because it means that Izuku really matters to him, and that's scary to think about, when Izuku can be so fragile despite how strong he is.]

But I think...I'm getting to the point where I know what I want us to be.

[Izuku can't help staring at the blond, after he speaks. That's...that's...]

...that's how I feel, too.

[And he never would've guessed that Kacchan would feel this way in a thousand years. How many other times have they felt the same and never realized it? How often has the moments he felt like Kacchan's thoughts and emotions were a confusing mystery actually been them being in perfect sync like this? Izuku settles his arms on his knees and his head on his arms; he feels oddly dizzy, trying to process this realization.

Kacchan feels the same about this as he does.

Maybe that means he feels the same about other aspects of their relationship, too. It's a thought that feels dangerously like hope.]

I've always known what I want us to be.

[The words are quiet. Not a whisper, just...delicate. As if admitting it might shatter whatever they currently have between them if not done gently enough.]

But I didn't think it'd ever be possible. Not until now.

[Katsuki can feel the weight of Izuku's big eyes on him as he says that he feels the same way. It's not entirely surprising. There's been a lot of times where Katsuki agreed with Izuku, whether or not he said it. Izuku is surprisingly good at making plans and thinking up unique strategies and Katsuki knows to pay attention when he's talking about it.

So it's not a surprise for him, like it is for Izuku, that they're on the same wavelength about this. Maybe they've got vastly different reasons for feeling like those words don't fit right, but they agree on it, and that's a start. It's something.

This still feels incredibly hard, it's hard for him to put into words what he thinks and feels, or figuring out where those feelings come from, what triggers them. Hard for him to even put a name to what he's feeling half the time, in his own mind, let alone figure out how to tell Izuku what the feeling is and why he's having it. In the end, he's just stuck feeling something that's frustrating and nameless and he's helpless against it and then he just gets mad.]

You want us to be friends, right?

[As brusque as it could sound, Katsuki's voice is neutral when he says it. Still as hoarse as always, straightforward. But there's no hints of anger in it, at least, even if he's still not looking at the other boy just yet.]

[The difficulty the blond has putting everything into words is a big factor in Izuku's surprise. He's still learning how to sort out the different kinds of anger Kacchan expresses, when it's genuine and when it's something else entirely underneath. And with how long they spent talking past each other, misunderstanding and misinterpreting each other...he's gone from feeling like he was fluent in understanding Kacchan's moods and intent to starting from scratch. Sometimes he can fall back on their shared history to guide him, but sometimes he's just utterly lost.

He knows they work well together as heroes. The way they've started clicking together without needing words when they take to the field is impossible to deny. But as people? That's still new territory for him.]

Yeah. I always have. [He sighs, and drops his gaze to where Kacchan's feet disappear into the sand.] Almost always.

[For a while, it was more a fantasy even he felt was unrealistic. He never stopped wishing for it, but throughout middle school and into the start of their first year at UA, he just wanted to stop having Kacchan in his life entirely, or at least have him in as little of it as possible.

Back then, he could never have imagined they'd end up having a conversation like this.]

I missed it. What we used to be, when we were little. Even if it was just me, even if it was one-sided...you were the closest thing to a friend I had.

[The fact is, Katsuki is really trying today. He's got no reason to be annoyed at Izuku right now, the other boy's been going through a rough time, the most he can be frustrated about is that, with his Quirk glitching in and out, they can't really go all out on each other when they train. And he can admit that's not Izuku's fault.

As much as he can feel the surges of anger that come up every time he tries to verbalize what's going on in his head, it's manageable, and he doesn't want to fuck everything up today. Izuku said this was important, and it feels important to him too.

For a moment, he's quiet, thinking about the concept of being friends with Izuku, the way he's friends with Kirishima. A world where they spend time with each other, study together, maybe go over to each others' places to play video games on holidays. Imagines walking into Izuku's house and saying hi to Mrs. Midoriya like he used to when he was a kid, before tucking into some snacks she made, his feet kicking as he sits on the edge of his chair. It's so nostalgic, he feels something complicated welling up in him, and he frowns a little, staring out at the water. It usually takes him so much time to process these things, and for a moment he's resentful at Izuku for making him do it so fast right now, for the other boy not being patient enough to wait for a month or so until Katsuki can say it properly because he's practiced in his head over and over.

But still, he speaks, avoiding looking at Izuku, because this is important and he's trying.]

That was the point.

[His fingers find purchase on a particularly smooth stone among the sand that feels good between callused fingertips, and he fiddles with it idly while he tries to figure out the next sentence to say, full of jittery energy and unidentified emotion that makes his gut clench and the cavity where his heart lies feel too small for the heart it contains.]

The apology, I mean. I want...to do better by you.

[For a moment, his throat closes off, and he makes a frustrated noise in his throat at it. Waits it out for a moment, until he can talk again, all the while trying to figure out if it's the cloying humiliation of fear or something else entirely.]

I think I'd like to be friends.

Edited 2024-08-25 18:12 (UTC)

[Izuku doesn't feel bad about pushing. This place is mean, and fickle, and it whisks people away just as suddenly as it pulls them in. He'd waited himself, the last time Kacchan was here, to take his own time to process his thoughts and his wants and what he might even talk about. And then suddenly Kacchan was gone, and Izuku had wasted his chance.

He can't waste it again, not when he's been given a second chance.

He waits for Kacchan to finish his thoughts, then waits a bit longer. A lot longer. He buries his face in his arms again for a moment, and when he lifts his head again the blond won't even need to look at him to guess the look on his face, not with the shaky, sniffly deep breath he takes. Or the very un-subtle way he swipes a thumb under one eye, then the other, then the first again.]

Okay-- [He almost chokes up on the word, and it takes a couple more breaths before his voice is steady again.] Okay. Then...let's try it.

[Being friends. Hanging out, having fun together, doing chores together, whatever it is friends do. Izuku isn't entirely sure how to just...be friends with someone, in the sense of doing the kinds of "friend things" he's seen in media, or heard their middle school classmates talk about, but he's willing to try.

What in the world did he ever do to deserve getting so blessed?]

And what you said. About-- about doing better by me. I-I'm gonna hold you to that, okay? 'M not gonna let you slide back, because-- because I know you can be better than that.

[It's new, for Izuku to push things like this, to push him in a way that's not competition, something physical, combat or training or something. It isn't as if Izuku has never stood up for himself or pushed him for something, but they pretty much never have conversations like this, where Izuku sat him down and made him communicate about how he's feeling or how they treat each other. It's unprecedented.

Part of him wonders if that lack of conversations isn't why they'd had as many troubles as they've had, understanding each other. Because they seem to be on the same wavelength for once.

Not that any of this has felt easy.

And of course, Izuku is crying again, tearing up and rubbing at his eyes, while he responds to what Katsuki said, that they should try being friends. For a moment, his chest feels tight, like he can't breathe, and he stubbornly doesn't look at Izuku because his eyes are stinging too, and it's too much. Thankfully, Izuku distracts him by saying that he's going to hold Katsuki to his promise to try to do better by him. There's no room for feeling emotionally overwhelmed when Izuku is promising to hold him to his desire to do better, to improve himself. To make up for the past.

Jerking his head up and to the side, he stares at Izuku with wide eyes, blinking incredulously, and then gives his head a little shake, snorting a bit.]

Sure, Izuku.

[It's casual, almost a brush-off, and he feels guilty after a moment, to be so flippant when Izuku is being so serious. So he licks his lips and makes his first attempt on this new road they're starting down together.]

I mean. Yeah. Do that.

[He lifts his head and turns to look at Izuku, his expression serious.]

Apparently I don't always know when I'm going too far.

[Izuku’s certain the fact that they haven’t ever had a conversation like this before is a big part of their problems. They never talked about their thoughts and feelings in any form until their throwdown at Ground Beta, and even that wasn’t a conversation so much as them taking turns dumping emotions on each other in between hits. It helped, sure, but he’d rather not have that be how things work with them.

Maybe someday, talks like this will be normal for them. He’d really like them to get to the point where they don’t need even that unless something seriously requires it; to be at a place where they just reach out to each other in the moment, or soon after, and be honest with their emotions. But, well…baby steps. The first of which they are, hopefully, taking right now.

Izuku isn’t sure why Kacchan is so surprised at first. Did he really not expect he’d want to support him? Or that he believed in him? And then the blond looks at him and says that, and oh. He thinks he gets it now.]

…sometimes. Mostly it’s just…i-it’s…I don’t know how to explain it.

[He shifts uncomfortably, eyes still watery and threatening to flood at any moment. He sniffs again, trying to get his breathing steady.]

There’s some things I know is just how you are, with…with people, that are k-kind of similar to…you know. [How you used to treat me.] I know they’re not the same, a-and I don’t want you to feel bad for being you, but…it’s hard. To— to tell the difference.

[He swallows, his gaze dropping down to the sand again for a moment before darting back up to lock eyes with the other boy.]

So…when that happens, I’ll tell you. And if I want you to stop doing or saying something to me entirely, I’ll tell you that too.

[It isn't that he didn't think that Izuku would support him or believe in him - the fact that Izuku will do those things has been hammered home enough he mostly believes it by all the things they've been through together, even just by merit of the fact that they're still having this conversation after how Katsuki has treated him. Izuku, as always, is too damn soft on everyone, including Katsuki.

No, it's the fact that it doesn't register as support or belief in the moment, but as being held accountable and the reaction in Katsuki to that is strange. He's surprised on one hand, because he's very rarely been held accountable by the people in his life. Generally his friends are people who put up with how he acts. His teachers have supported him throughout his life...he got good grades, so none of them cared much how he treated his fellow students. His parents...that's another story, that's why it's complicated in his brain, because they'd always expected great things of him and pushed him until he produced them, punished him if he didn't, praised him if he did. It wasn't really accountability but expectation, and it had nothing to do with what Izuku wants to keep him accountable for now.

The long and the short of it is that no one has ever held Katsuki accountable for how he treats people, and he doesn't know how to process that. If it's a threat or support or dangerous or something else entirely.

At first he doesn't even quite understand what Izuku means when he speaks again, and he looks at him blankly for a moment, still processing. After a moment, he thinks it clicks, though, and he shakes his head.]

I'm rough on people. That's what you mean, right?

[His voice is a little hoarser than usual because he's feeling emotional and he gets that momentary spike of anger again, at himself more than anything, for being weak. For that moment of self-awareness when he is usually so stubbornly unself-aware.]

Alright. If you ask what I mean, I'll make sure to tell you. And...I'll try not to be mad about it. I might screw up, but...

[He lifts his head and looks at Izuku, mouth pursed and expression a little vulnerable.]

If I screw up, that's all it is. I don't want to go back to how things were.

[In a lot of ways, the problems with how Kacchan treats people comes down to context. Izuku's not about to tell him to change how he treats his friends; if they have a problem, he trusts that they'd tell Kacchan directly -- especially Kirishima -- and if they don't, then it's not his place to claim otherwise. But when it comes to strangers, or civilians in need, Izuku will put his foot down on anything that he wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of. Something can be okay in casual situations with friends who know him and not okay elsewhere, and if he can help the blond figure out where that line goes, he'll be beyond happy.

And that includes when it comes to himself. He just promised he would, so he will.]

A little bit, yeah. And you can be, um, prickly. When you want to be left alone.

[To put it politely. Though maybe he shouldn't? Maybe being direct about this is something he's going to have to learn.]

I don't know if I can explain it very well right now. But I'll figure it out.

[As for the rest...he's not sure what to say, at first. They have a deal, now. They're going to try having a proper friendship. Kacchan will listen when Izuku needs him to. What else is there to say to that?

He contemplates the blond's words for a moment. Then he smiles, uncertain but gentle, and reaches out to place his hand on one of Kacchan's arms.]

It's okay to make mistakes, Kacchan. As long as I can tell you're trying.

[Kacchan isn't the kind of person who'd ever try to slide along on insincere apologies and Izuku's willingness to give another chance, but it feels important to say anyway. He may be soft on almost everyone, but he has his limits, and the blond has hit them once before.

He doesn't want to go back to that, either.]

[Prickly? Yeah, that...makes sense, he supposes, especially when he wants to be left alone. He feels a little prickle go down the back of his neck at being called that, though.]

Alright.

[After all, if he's going to need time to do this without messing up, Izuku might need time to get it right too. The other boy has always been soft-spoken and not liked calling people out on things unless he was in hero mode and there were villains around.

When Izuku says that it's okay to make mistakes as long as he can tell he's trying, Katsuki's head jerks up to look at Izuku with those wide eyes again. For a few moments, he just stares, and then he feels, humiliatingly, the burn of tears in his eyes, and he jerks his head away, looking the opposite direction from Izuku, not wanting him to see it. He isn't sure anyone's ever told him that before.

Isn't sure he buys it. It seems fake that someone would think it was perfectly fine for him to make mistakes. Not when what everyone wants from him, what he expects from himself, is perfection. Everything he's always done has had to be perfect, for his parents, for his teachers, for himself. Katsuki Bakugo is good at everything he does, the first time he does it. Anything less is just crap. Useless.]

You sure about that?

[He keeps his head turned away until the burning of tears is gone and he can look at Izuku without it showing on his face.]

[Oh. That's not the reaction he expected to get. It sure isn't the one he wanted. His hand leaves the blond's arm, hovering over it awkwardly for a moment, before he settles on shifting to sit closer to the other boy instead. He leaves space between them still, because he knows Kacchan isn't big on having people in his space, but he gets close enough that he can sit comfortably in a position that allows their legs to touch. A silent I'm here if you need it. Not that Kacchan has ever wanted this in the past, but...he can't help it.]

Of course I'm sure. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes, Kacchan.

[He bumps their knees together. Lightly, an attempt at a reassuring touch.]

Besides, if you do mess up, I know you'll work hard and be better the next time. You always do. Even when you get something right, you always try to get better at it.

[When Bakugou does finally look back at Izuku, he'll be greeted with a much more assured smile. It's small, physically, but the energy of it fills Izuku's entire face and glitters in his eyes. Warm, and affectionate, and full of awe.]

It's one of things I admire about you.

[Kacchan can do anything!]

[Katsuki doesn't really register that Izuku has touched his arm until he takes it away and leaves it hovering there, the spot on Katsuki's skin where it had been resting feeling suddenly chilled. But Izuku moves a little closer, their legs touching, and Katsuki allows it, listening out the other boy as he explains.

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. He knows that Katsuki will work hard to redeem himself if he does.

Katsuki's eyes flick over to Izuku and he looks at him for a few long moments, trying to internalize that. That it's okay to make mistakes with this, that Izuku's not going to write him off, as long as he's actually trying. It's a foreign concept, strange to turn over in his head. As long as he can remember, the goal has been nothing less than perfection, in every aspect of his life.]

I will.

[The expression on his face is serious, so Izuku will see that he's taking this seriously, that it's something else he's going to expect perfection from himself for. His expression softens a little bit as Izuku says it's something that he admires about him. That...brings up some complicated emotions. He's always barked back when Izuku claims to admire him for something, thinking that it was just the other boy looking down on him, but he's starting to register that it isn't some kind of lording it over him that Izuku is better. At least, he doesn't think so, not anymore.]

You...really mean that, don't you?

[His voice is low and a little throaty, but his red eyes are still locked on Izuku's face, meeting his eyes after a few seconds because he wants to see the other boy's real reaction.]

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